This is the essay I chose to write about to get accepted into Clarion University for Elementary Education. Please read it and give some constructive critisism, but don't be too harsh. :] Just give some ideas on how to make it better and let me know if it's good enough.
Please and THANK YOU.
His face was flushed as I bent down to give him a beaming smile. I introduced myself and led him to his locker. His name was Mikey, age five. In my freshman year of highschool, I had no clue what my future intentions were. I decided to take a Child Development program as an elective, just to explore my options. In this class, you are able to partake in all dimensions of teaching, and/or raising a child. Mikey was the child I was entitled to “raise.” For the first few days, I was mortified when he didn’t say more than two words to me. He wasn’t abnormally shy with the rest of the kids, it had seemed as if he had been daunted by me. It was mid-October when he was playing carefully in the sandbox. I sat next to him and, as usual, made a conscious effort to communicate with him. There was a bell that rang three times to conclude the time we’d spent together. I heard the sound and rose from the floor to part with him. The first words he ever had ever let pass his lips to me, were as a I remember, “Don’t go. I want you to stay and play with me.” I could do no more than stare at him in an awestruck manner for a few moments. I bent back down to explain to him I had to leave to resume the rest of my day, and that I’d see him in two days. As if to denote his sadness, Mikey just turned back around to the sandbox and continued playing with the shovels. I said my goodbyes and left.
From that day on, he started communicating with me on a much higher level. He always included me in everything he would do. Playing and learning, we always did those things together. I tried to teach him things to the best of my knowledge. I don’t recall ever having to reprimand him for misbehaving. As April approached, both Mikey and myself looked forward to the time we spent together. The entire class took a field trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo. I intentionally strayed from him a little bit, giving him his space to engage in other activities with his friends. Within minutes I was being deliberately pushed down the slide with him and some other children. I was ecstatic he wanted to incorporate me into his plans.
I have this incredibly vivid image of the day he graduated from the program. All of the children were to have their picture taken in the middle of the classroom. They all gathered around smiling and looking to their parents for support. I was standing in the back, watching him frown the entire time. He was wearing this blue and gold graduation had we’d assembled together earlier. I watched solemnly as my teacher, and mentor in the program, retrieved a large black camera from her desk. She told this kids to “squeeze together tighter”, and counted to three. I noticed Mikey wasn’t smiling. I pushed my way to the front to determine what the problem was. He stood in his spot firmly, until he looked up with his bright blue eyes to see me standing there. At last, I saw the bold smile I’d been waiting for. He shifted his eyes back to the camera. One, two, three, and the picture snapped. He rapidly ran over to me and hugged me. I had tears pouring down my face. I had realized in this predicament, I’d come having innumerable ideas at what I would end up doing in my life. Accordingly, I was to help in the preparation process of a child growth, but in return I discovered my calling in life was to teach other children. The feeling I received making sure Mikey strived to do his best and to push to do new things was the feeling I wanted to feel for the rest of my life.
If I were to be accepted to Clarion, I would be proud to put the name on my first job resume. I would have a vast amount of pride to call Clarion my college. I know your professors feel the same as I do about teaching, and I know they also strive to push people to do their best and succeed in life. I need an opinion on my College Admissions Essay. Read %26amp; Review PLEASE.?
The best advice I can give is to show, not tell. College essay readers like it when you paint a picture for them with descriptive words and sentences.
"If I were to be accepted to Clarion, I would be proud to put the name on my first job resume. I would have a vast amount of pride to call Clarion my college. I know your professors feel the same as I do about teaching, and I know they also strive to push people to do their best and succeed in life."
^^
The above paragraph fragments the idea of your essay.
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